What people tell you is good isn't necessarily good. I've found that I truly have to see and decide for myself what is 'healthy' what is 'best'. Every situation and every person is different, so how can we say 'oh, things will go this way. you know they will'. No, no they won't. We can never ever know what awaits us. It is the single greatest blessing and yet the biggest imaginable burden to carry. I don't know what will happen years from now. That feeling of freedom can't be matched, and yet that feeling of angst is unbearable.
For some things I have a large amount of say in what will happen, in others I will have no choice. Its hard to keep the lack of freedom from dominating my thoughts. Its hard to remember that indeed I have a large amount of control, that if I want something to work, I just have to try. Its far too easy to let the looming future scare the shit out of you. To control you, letting it paralyze you with worry and fear and unwarranted disappointment. Its far too easy to give up and give in. This idea is the basis for numerous books, movies, etc. because its this universal problem. We all let what we can't control inflate into this facade that is dark and scary. What I should really be doing is working on those things that I can influence, and working hard to make my mark using them. Letting go of the obsession over something I simply cannot change.
The biggest scariest thing out there that can dominate my thoughts is death. Even previous to my grandfather's situation, death has been something I genuinely feared. I think, therefore I am. The fact that my mind is active is all I have that shows me I exist, my consciousness entraps everything there is about me. So when our physical bodies die, when those nerves stop firing..when my brain stops thinking. What then? I will no longer think, and there for I will no longer be. But how CAN that be? All I have in this world is my consciousness, I know nothing else for certain. So I fear that this one thing will be stripped away from me because my brain can not fathom the idea of eternity, whether with 'God' or in time and space. Something must happen after death right? But what? When does life end? When will our world end? How did our world begin? Doesn't the universe have to end somewhere? And what's after that? Something else has to exist after that, it cannot merely stop, right?
So it all snowballs into the most terrifying idea-that the things that happen here in my daily life don't make a lick of difference. That there is so so much more in the world, in this universe, than what I can possibly comprehend. So my mind implodes. It becomes overloaded and shuts down. I have no way of processing the grief of losing my person, my consciousness, the one thing I own. Because at any point, at this very second even, that freedom could be taken away.
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