Problems of the Heart

My Grandfather is most likely dying from lung cancer. Our family found out Thursday, we were all gathering for one of the most important holidays in our family, the fourth of july. Dying might be a strong word, I don't think that is determined yet. He is doing three weeks of radiation in Texas and then they are coming back to Pittsburg so that the family can help out.

I left Pittsburg friday and since then I have (in so many words) forgotten that he is dying. I feel guilty. Since I left, I haven't thought about it. I feel like it should be more present in my mind, like my spirit should change and I should be saddened.

So I ask myself why am I not saddened by this? Well...I am. I'm sad that I have to see my mom, aunt, and uncle so upset and so worried. I hate hearing the tone in my mom's voice when she talks to my Dad's mom. My other grandfather died from lung cancer that spread to his brain ten years ago. She said lung cancer almost always leads to brain cancer. It has already spread to his spine, thats how they found it. It saddens me because I care about these people.

So I ask myself, why does it seem like I don't care about him? My grandparents moved to southern Texas when I was 12 years old. In the beginning they stayed down there for most of the year, returning for summers and family holidays. That lasted a few years and after that they stayed South year round. They'd made friends, and it was a long drive back for an older couple. They call on Christmas and talk to my mom on the phone once in a while. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw them. It may have been Kelly's high school graduation... four years ago. For the most part they've been absent in the portion of my life where I've become who I am. So I don't have an attachment to them, they don't know me and I don't know them.

I'm not trying to blame them for not being around. I just wish I didn't feel guilty. I wish I cared more. In trying to deal with this and many other things, I use reason. I've figured out the pattern, why I feel the way I feel. How my childhood and aging since has placed me where I am today. Causes and effects. This doesn't make me feel more strongly, it doesn't stop anything. It just makes me newly aware that I'm not close to my grandfather, and that saddens me.

The downfall in my coping is that you can't use logic for problems of the heart.