Feliz Cumpleanos a Mi

My 21st birthday was this weekend. It was a lot of fun. I went out and drank but didn't get stupid drunk. Thanks to everyone who came, I really had a good time! I don't think it could have gone better.

For my birthday Liz got me a gift certificate to Dollar Tree. Dollar stores in general (except Dollar General...ironic) are awesome! We love that place. I think the best gifts are things people want but won't buy for themselves. Liz made a rule that I had to spend it on frivolous things, not necessities. So I had way too much fun buying random stuff. And to show her that I followed the rule, I took a picture of it all.

Here is the run down, going counter clockwise starting with the flowers.

So my favorite purchase was the flowers. It did take me for-freaking-ever to arrange them just how I wanted, then stabilizing it (with pennies) and what not in the pot. It was really really frustrating. But the end result is satisfactory.

You can't quite tell what it is, but that purple box next to it is a Snuggle air freshner. All I look for in air fresheners is something that sells like laundry. I LOVE the smell of dryer sheets, so this really is my ideal air freshener.

Next up is some oregano and parsley. I would just buy myself italian seasoning instead of these two because I'd only have to buy one and its cheaper, but having these two is a good addition to my spices. I think I use spices a lot more than most people, but I think they make a big difference in dishes.

Next on the list is a book about the planets. Random, but I'm pretty excited to read it.

Eye shadow...for fun.

Then that orange packet thing...it actually has a key chain with beads. Its feminine and I like it.

This one might just be my favorite-DR. PEPPER FREEZER POPS!!! o.m.g. srsly? they make these!!!! I'm eating one now and its pretty darn good.

Then a water bottle, because school is coming up and I may need one, also its smaller than the ones they have at wal mart and stuff which is good because I never drink that much and I end up throwing out the water anyway.

Next up it some sweet pea bubble bath for...well for bubble baths.

Then a bath pillow, since I've only recently discovered the joyous nature of baths and think this may enhance it.

So maybe I'd buy the Dr. Pepper freezer pops for myself, but I think everything else qualifies as frivolous right??

I LOVE YOU LIZ!!!

Growth through hardships

In the past week I've realized a thing or two.

What people tell you is good isn't necessarily good. I've found that I truly have to see and decide for myself what is 'healthy' what is 'best'. Every situation and every person is different, so how can we say 'oh, things will go this way. you know they will'. No, no they won't. We can never ever know what awaits us. It is the single greatest blessing and yet the biggest imaginable burden to carry. I don't know what will happen years from now. That feeling of freedom can't be matched, and yet that feeling of angst is unbearable.

For some things I have a large amount of say in what will happen, in others I will have no choice. Its hard to keep the lack of freedom from dominating my thoughts. Its hard to remember that indeed I have a large amount of control, that if I want something to work, I just have to try. Its far too easy to let the looming future scare the shit out of you. To control you, letting it paralyze you with worry and fear and unwarranted disappointment. Its far too easy to give up and give in. This idea is the basis for numerous books, movies, etc. because its this universal problem. We all let what we can't control inflate into this facade that is dark and scary. What I should really be doing is working on those things that I can influence, and working hard to make my mark using them. Letting go of the obsession over something I simply cannot change.

The biggest scariest thing out there that can dominate my thoughts is death. Even previous to my grandfather's situation, death has been something I genuinely feared. I think, therefore I am. The fact that my mind is active is all I have that shows me I exist, my consciousness entraps everything there is about me. So when our physical bodies die, when those nerves stop firing..when my brain stops thinking. What then? I will no longer think, and there for I will no longer be. But how CAN that be? All I have in this world is my consciousness, I know nothing else for certain. So I fear that this one thing will be stripped away from me because my brain can not fathom the idea of eternity, whether with 'God' or in time and space. Something must happen after death right? But what? When does life end? When will our world end? How did our world begin? Doesn't the universe have to end somewhere? And what's after that? Something else has to exist after that, it cannot merely stop, right?

So it all snowballs into the most terrifying idea-that the things that happen here in my daily life don't make a lick of difference. That there is so so much more in the world, in this universe, than what I can possibly comprehend. So my mind implodes. It becomes overloaded and shuts down. I have no way of processing the grief of losing my person, my consciousness, the one thing I own. Because at any point, at this very second even, that freedom could be taken away.

Problems of the Heart

My Grandfather is most likely dying from lung cancer. Our family found out Thursday, we were all gathering for one of the most important holidays in our family, the fourth of july. Dying might be a strong word, I don't think that is determined yet. He is doing three weeks of radiation in Texas and then they are coming back to Pittsburg so that the family can help out.

I left Pittsburg friday and since then I have (in so many words) forgotten that he is dying. I feel guilty. Since I left, I haven't thought about it. I feel like it should be more present in my mind, like my spirit should change and I should be saddened.

So I ask myself why am I not saddened by this? Well...I am. I'm sad that I have to see my mom, aunt, and uncle so upset and so worried. I hate hearing the tone in my mom's voice when she talks to my Dad's mom. My other grandfather died from lung cancer that spread to his brain ten years ago. She said lung cancer almost always leads to brain cancer. It has already spread to his spine, thats how they found it. It saddens me because I care about these people.

So I ask myself, why does it seem like I don't care about him? My grandparents moved to southern Texas when I was 12 years old. In the beginning they stayed down there for most of the year, returning for summers and family holidays. That lasted a few years and after that they stayed South year round. They'd made friends, and it was a long drive back for an older couple. They call on Christmas and talk to my mom on the phone once in a while. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw them. It may have been Kelly's high school graduation... four years ago. For the most part they've been absent in the portion of my life where I've become who I am. So I don't have an attachment to them, they don't know me and I don't know them.

I'm not trying to blame them for not being around. I just wish I didn't feel guilty. I wish I cared more. In trying to deal with this and many other things, I use reason. I've figured out the pattern, why I feel the way I feel. How my childhood and aging since has placed me where I am today. Causes and effects. This doesn't make me feel more strongly, it doesn't stop anything. It just makes me newly aware that I'm not close to my grandfather, and that saddens me.

The downfall in my coping is that you can't use logic for problems of the heart.