So for some time now I have had an internal, on-going battle. Not an infectious one unfortunately, but a spiritual one.
Being brought up in a traditional Christian home, I was taught that God has given me the ten commandments, advising me of things that I should not do. Jesus gave me the golden rule. There are many rules in the New and Old Testaments. There are shockingly similar rules, law, and guidelines in other religious texts.
When I was a teenager I began questioning my faith when our youth director, Jason was ousted from the church. It frustrated me because as a senior in that youth group I spent 6 years with mediocre leaders who meant well but didn't light that fire that I thought should be lit in the hearts of youth. Jason did that. What he taught us in that brief time I truly valued at a deeper level than much of what I had been taught in the previous 6 years. Alas like many people who I think have only moderately radical ideas, people who shake the boat, the people I like to interact with, he was pushed out, out of fear. Fear that what the leadership in the church wanted for their youth would not be had by someone who was more concerned with the youth's well-being than politicking the leadership.
My point of view is undoubtedly flawed, as everyone in the situation had their own motivations for the feelings and actions that went along with that situation. It made me incredibly sad and angry. But ultimately, that event acted as the the last straw that caused my healthy doubt and skepticism about church to become fully fledged. I turned away from this church and looked elsewhere.
Many of you have heard me speak about Jacob's Well. It was a place that I felt intensely in-tune with. I felt raw emotions from people during the songs, music that I enjoyed besides the fact that it was worship. The sermons were challengingly intellectual in nature. The people seemed to be intelligent, thoughtful, and caring in a way that I still strive to be. The sermons hit me and made me think more critically about my beliefs than I had been prompted to before and I went through a period of intense satisfaction and spiritual devotion.
Then I went to college. My lifestyle changed, and as most people I didn't go to church. The problem was-how was I supposed to find an emergent church like Jacob's Well? I knew they existed, but not in Columbia. I missed that experience. I missed the music, I missed Tim Keel. So I would listen to the sermons online and get some general satisfaction about it.
When I would talk to people about religion, I would reject the stereotypical idea of a christian. I would explain what I thought and felt about what little I knew about the emergent church and about JW. I would separate myself from what other christians did, because like a man soliciting me on campus told me once, I should not blame Jesus for the actions of his followers. I considered myself a christian, in a sense.
I went to church with my sister, Katie in an effort to satisfy both the Sunday morning ritual but also the spiritual stimulation. I always ended up leaving the church angry. The people meant well, they thought they were right, but ultimately I could not stand to hear Christians talk about homosexuals being in the wrong. How Jesus could fix them, as if they weren't fulfilled, happy, loving, spiritual, people who deserve the same respect and rights of heterosexuals. I often cried during the music portion of the program at this church, and I couldn't really figure out why. I thought it was because I so intensely missed that feeling of being fulfilled that Jacob's Well brought me. I all at once hated religion and missed it. It was such a large part of me that I could never tell if I was comforted by the music or angered. I stopped going to church.
At some point I met a Unitarian Universalist in one of my classes and joined a group of college students who wanted to meet and discuss UU, what it means, and what me might be able to find in it. There I heard things similar to my story and journey, being brought up in a traditional Christian home and always feeling that heaviness literally around the heart when talking about the Bible being a science book, or when taking the story of Jonah and the Whale so shallowly (no pun intended) when in fact it is a desperate and challenging story. I also heard people who had very different experiences from mine, but felt similarly about them. What it came down to is that we thought Unitarian Universalism might have something for us. These people had not given up on religion, but had been put through terrible experiences with it. And like me, they were not ready to let it go because of other people's interpretations of religion.
UU, as I understand it, aims to respect all religious beliefs. In a UU church there are a variety of religions, and the program serves a different purpose than that of a traditional church. For me, emphasizing spirituality over religion was important. I thought it was important to be spiritual, regardless of a religious affiliation because I knew so so many people who leaned toward Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, Islam, people who were good people. People I respected. I myself was studying ancient India in a class at the time and felt incredibly moved by Jainist texts, as well as others. It seemed to me that no matter what religion, we all had spirituality in common.
I stopped going to that group, I think because of time constraints and my overloaded schedule. I just didn't have time for spirituality. I had stopped going to church quite some time before, and with starting a weekend job, it wasn't hard to find reasons to not go to church, although I often didn't need one.
Since then I have been pained by my lack of spirituality. Matt and I recently had a wonderful conversation with a group of friends about whether or not to raise our children in any kind of church. I won't go into the details, but the point is that I still felt emotionally tied to religion while at the same time hated the bigots it created. I was frustrated because I genuinely did not feel that one religion was any more right than another. I still considered myself a Christian, because I tended towards the teachings of Jesus. I still believe Jesus was a radical, liberal, justice seeking prophet. But others wouldn't call me a Christian because I don't think he was sent here to die for my sins. He is not my lord and savior, the single requirement to be considered a Christian by most Christians themselves.
I questioned why can't I just follow a prophets teachings? Many religions have great prophets whose teachings are followed. Why does Christianity have to go and get all high and mighty and say that Jesus is the only way to God? Why does he have to be inhuman to have some good ideas? Something that pervaded my thoughts then and still does today is something Tim Keel said in a sermon "Christianity is not a set of propositions, but a way of life" as well as this Stanley Hauerwas quote
"The work of Jesus was not a new set of ideals or principals for reforming or even revolutionizing society, but the establishment of a new community, a people that embodied forgiveness, sharing, and self-sacrificing love in its rituals and discipline. In that sense, the visible church is not to be the bearer of Christ's message, but to be the message."
This to me, was what religion should be. The Emergent Church fascinated me for some time, but ultimately what it comes down to is that there are Christians who are good people. There are Christians who are horrible people. There are Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and countless other religions' people who have a large number of people we would consider good. People who care for their family, those around them, considerate people, people who give freely of themselves to friends, people who challenge injustices, people who I respect in every sense of the word. In addition I believe that there are countless atheists, agnostics, and more who live good lives, who are also people I deeply respect.
I have come to the point where religion to me does not differentiate between those who are good and those who are bad. The only thing it differentiates is how people are personally fulfilled and satisfied with their own spirituality. The problem with religion is that it implies that to be moral, one must be spiritual in their definition.
I disagree. I do not feel that morality comes from religion. I feel that religion serves the individual, and often the community in giving themselves purpose, drive, fulfillment, and more. It DOES NOT make someone a good or bad person.
Welcome to secular humanism. Morality that comes from religion is deeply steeped in violence, in judgment, in ethnocentrism, in the powerful and powerless. And yet there are many religious people I know who are good people. I do not think that religion is always negative. I think it is the source of deeper spiritual fulfillment for many people. But it is not the source of their morality, and thus I consider myself a secular humanist.
I no longer need religion to feel that I am a good person. I do not need rules, laws, or guidelines to show me what is wrong and what is right. My logic, reasoning, and serious thought about what I feel is right and wrong is what decides my morals. And ultimately, I can only advocate that this is what is right to me. If someone disagrees with what I judge to be moral or immoral, than I invite them to engage in a conversation about what logic, reasoning, and serious thought brought them to a different conclusion, because I think it is likely that the process will differ, and I can gain appreciation for their choice.
So secular humanism does not deny religion. It is the belief that someone does not need religion to be a moral person. And this seems to have resolved my spiritual battle about what I should think, feel, experience and deny about religion. Who knows, maybe I will become a practitioner of some religion down the road. I'll leave that open, but for now that I am satisfied and happy in my life, a life that does not involve a religion.
It is well, with my soul.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha